Issue 54

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In this issue:

1) Welcome Letter by Sibyl McLendon
2) Jojoba Oil by Pat Valle
3) The Power Of No! by Robert Taylor
4) The Power Of Music
5) Don't Get Mad, Get Buddha By Ron Huxley, LMFT

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Welcome Letter
by Sibyl McLendon

Yá'át'ééh! Welcome to the latest edition of MousePages. This week, I am so happy to announce that my family has a new member: Lucy! Lucy is a 3 year old mixed breed dog that has come to live with us. Lucy is a rescue dog, from an abusive past. She is about 12 pounds, white, and the absolute apple of my eye. I did not name her! If I had, you can be sure I would have chosen a good, solid Navajo name, but 3 is a little old to have to deal with a new home AND a new name, so, Lucy it is.
Have you had a chance to go look at the Blue Moon Design site yet? If not, I do encourage you to do so.   http://www.blue-moon-designs.com   There are some wonderful resource pages on that site, about aromatherapy, charitable giving (this is the season for it!) and about dealing with cancer, whether it is you, a friend or a family member. She is going to be adding new resources all the time on different subjects, so I encourage you to check back every week or so. You will not be disappointed!
The holidays are zooming up on us. There is a good article here about being able to say no when you need to. I encourage all of you to do your best not to stress out during the upcoming season. Holidays are not very jolly if you are feeling as if you have been put through a ringer, and most of the time, you put yourself there through unreasonable expectations. Try to chill out and take some time just for yourself. The world will not come to an end, I swear.
Until next week, enjoy and be at peace with yourself and the world. Remember, a Navajo woman in Tucson, Arizona cares about you. (smile)

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Jojoba Oil
by Pat Valle

This wonderful plant originated in the Sonoran desert of Mexico and parts of California and Arizona. The bean of this plant contains a vegetable oil when crushed. The chemical content is found to be the same as sperm whale oil and differs from other vegetable oils in that it has a waxy liquid. Jojoba oil will not become rancid or oxidize like most oils over time. Studies have shown that it is especially useful in cosmetics as well as having beneficial healing properties.

Native Americans have been using Jojoba for hundreds of years. In the 1700's Father Junipero Serra, founder of numerous California Missions, wrote in his diary that the Indians used this oil themselves for burns, cuts, sores, bruises, skin irritations and scalp problems due to hair loss and dry, flaky skin. They also used the nuts of the Jojoba plant to make a beverage that tastes like a coffee substitute.

Jojoba oil is practically identical to sebum which lubricates and protects the skin and hair. It dissolves excess sebum which can clog the pores and cleanses as well as restores the pH balance of skin and hair. It also helps reduce the appearance of wrinkles and is hypo-allergenic and non-irritating. Other studies have shown that it can stop growth of bacteria and staph infections and eliminate inflammation on the skin.

Use pure 100% Jojoba daily or add to your favorite lotion or cream. It is great for cleansing and can be applied directly to the skin for scars by warming a little oil and leaving it on the area all night. For ance, wash face with a gentle soap, rinse well and massage a small amount on the area twice daily. Pure Jojoba oil will help break down scar tissue.

For hair and scalp, massage in the oil and leave in hair for at least 15 to 20 minutes before shampooing. Excellent results have been noted for dry, itchy scalp. For extra shine, apply a few drops to the hands and lightly coat the hair.

You can purchase Jojoba Oil in any health food store. It costs a little more than other oils but the benefits of using this remarkable product is worth the expense.

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The Power Of No!
by Robert Taylor

How often do we find ourselves in awkward situations we could have avoided simply by saying "no"? It is only after getting into those situations that we remember the simple act of saying "no" would have kept us totally out of them.

Your time and peace of mind are invaluable. There are times when others are in such desperate need we would willingly take food away from our own children or take time we think we cannot spare to help them.

However, you will find the greatest demand for your time and efforts come from those who are fully capable of doing or providing for themselves. It is simply easier for them to ask you to provide or do it for them.

Some would consider it selfish to deny others. Which helps them the most? For you to do or provide it for them or for them to do or provide for themselves? It always returns to the old and proven saying that, "If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach him to fish you
feed him for a lifetime."

You better serve yourselves and others when you make judicious use of the word "no". If that word isn't in your vocabulary you need to add it.

It is human nature to seek the easy way out. The biggest problem with this approach is that it keeps us from growing and evolving into being all we are capable of being.

Every time we do something for ourselves we better learn to do it and it becomes easier. We then find greater challenges which stretch us even further. It is when we are given a "no" to our requests that we find ways and means to fulfill them ourselves.

It is not always comfortable to tell someone "no". On the other hand, it becomes relatively comfortable when you look ahead to the consequences you will endure by saying "yes" to
their requests.

The next time you feel like you have to say "yes" to someone's request for your time, money and/or efforts, think ahead to what you will feel like while going through the consequences of having said "yes". If you find it will be more comfortable than saying "no", then by all means proceed with it. Otherwise, keep your "no" handy and use it.


Copyright 2001 by Robert Taylor
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The Power Of Music 

Heal The World
Michael Jackson

There's a place in
Your heart
And I know that it is love
And this place could
Be much
Brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try
You'll find there's no need
To cry
In this place you'll feel
There's no hurt or sorrow

There are ways
To get there
If you care enough
For the living
Make a little space
Make a better place...

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

If you want to know why
There's a love that
Cannot lie
Love is strong
It only cares of
Joyful giving
If we try
We shall see
In this bliss
We cannot feel
Fear or dread
We stop existing and
Start living

Then it feels that always
Love's enough for
Us growing
So make a better world
Make a better world...

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

And the dream we were
Conceived in
Will reveal a joyful face
And the world we
Once believed in
Will shine again in grace
Then why do we keep
Strangling life
Wound this earth
Crucify its soul
Though it's plain to see
This world is heavenly
Be God's glow

We could fly so high
Let our spirits never die
In my heart
I feel you are all
My brothers
Create a world with
No fear
Together we cry
Happy tears
See the nations turn
Their swords
Into plowshares

We could really get there
If you cared enough
For the living
Make a little space
To make a better place...

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me
And the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough
For the living
Make a better place
For you and for me

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Don't Get Mad, Get Buddha 
By Ron Huxley, LMFT

Do you wake up in the morning with your stomach tied up in knots? Does the thought of going to work and dealing with your co-workers seem unbearable? Have you every thought that if you never had to deal with people, your job would be great? 

Use Prevention to Avoid Problems 
The eastern philosopher Buddha stated a Noble Truth about problems (and problem people): If you can predict them, you can prevent them. He stated that life is difficult and once you have accepted this truth, you will find that life ceases to be so difficult. Why?

Because of the power of prevention.

It is easier to deal with a problem or a problem person if you know it is coming. It's when you are surprised by a co-worker's rude behavior that you're unable to cope with him. Knowing that a co-worker will be rude to you gives you time to plan how you will handle him.

It doesn't mean to plan how you will be equally rude back to him. It means finding a way to protect yourself emotionally and then turn the situation around, if possible. Finding the right tool for the job to do just that is where most of us get stuck.

The Anger Tool belt
Dealing with problems is like fixing a household appliance. You need to know how the appliance works and you need the right tools for the job.

When you plan to deal with your angry co-worker, you will need an anger tool belt filled with an assortment of anger management tools. This is how Buddha's Noble Truth will become a noble solution.

Tool #1: Labels
Perhaps the most basic tool available to us is communication. If your co-worker barks at you when asked about an overdue report, respond to him by labeling his feelings. For example, stating "You're angry at me right now" can actually reduce his anger towards you. The most basic reason for this is that your co-worker suddenly feels understood. It is far easier to be angry with people who don't listen then it is for people who do.

Labels let the air out of the proverbial balloon before it fills up and explodes. It gives you mastery over the emotion by taking the person out of the emotion, makes it a force of its own, to be handled and managed. Most arguments focus on personal attacks and not the problem to be solved. Giving an emotion, like anger, a label allows you to acknowledge the emotion and move on to finding a solution separate from blaming one another.

Your co-worker, expecting a retort, may look momentarily stunned by your new response and then mutter, "Yeah, I'm buried up to eyeballs with work. Give me till Friday and I'll have the report ready." At that point the two of you can negotiate a time for the report that is mutually acceptable. 

Tool #2: Negotiation
Negotiation skills are essential in dealing with angry people. Negotiation is a tool that allows for a win/win situation to occur between two parties who do not already mutually agree. It has several steps:

Step 1: Know what is negotiable and not negotiable. If next Friday is not an acceptable time for the report, you are in a much better position to negotiate and not feel used by him. Specify, matter of factly, what is and is not an acceptable time for the report. 

Step 2: Be open-minded. Be willing to listen and consider the other person's viewpoint. Stephen Covey, in his book the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, suggests that you seek first to understand the other person before you ask to be understood. You will increase your co-worker's cooperation by asking him to tell you what is troubling him first.

Step 3: Set a time limit. Keep the negotiation time short to prevent the discussion from getting off track. It usually ends up in blaming each other for one's problems. Keep things on the topic at hand and to the point no matter how much they get off topic. 

Step 4: Keep it private. Don't embarrass your co-worker by negotiating in public. He will be more likely to react negatively if he thinks others are watching him. Ask to talk to him in a private room.

Step 5: Stay calm and cool. Don't try to negotiate when feeling angry, tired, or preoccupied with other things. If the situation gets too hot, suggest taking a few minutes to cool off and then resume the negotiation. Set this up as a ground rule before negotiating if you think a heated discussion is likely.

Step 6: Acknowledge the others' point of view. Even if your co-worker is totally off base, acknowledge his feelings about the report. They are important to him even if they are irrational. One way to do this is to say, "I can see how you could feel the way you do given your work load." 

Step 7: Restate the final solution once it is reached. Most failures to cooperate after a negotiation is due to a misunderstanding about what EXACTLY was agreed upon. Write it in memo form if that seems necessary. 

Of course, labels and negotiation may not be enough. Your co-worker may continue to be rude and attacking even when you acknowledge his anger.

Negotiation may falter because he refuses to budge. No matter how hard you try to communicate, his obnoxious behavior is unrelenting. That's when you use the tool of change.

Tool #3: Change your situation.
Many people believe that they have no choice but to put up with the co-worker's obnoxious behavior. They let people walk over them because they are in positions of power. It might be a boss who has the power to fire you or your spouse who can make your life miserable or your co-worker who won't give you the report you need to make you look irresponsible. The reality is that you always have a choice. You can change yourself, the stressor, or the situation. Notice that changing the other person was not one of the choices listed here although that is the one most often chosen. It is also the one that is the least effective. You have no guarantees that you can change the other person. You always have a 100% guarantee to change yourself. But isn't that being a victim? No, you are never a victim when you choose what and how to change.

You can change yourself by taking care of yourself. Are you getting enough exercise and sleep? What is your diet like? Do you spend a few moments meditating or engaging in relaxing activities every day? The better you take care of yourself, the better you can deal with that angry co-worker.

You can change yourself by changing how you respond to angry people. Using the communication tools above is a step in the right direction. Your co-worker expects you to act in a pre-programmed manner. Call it a dance. He leads and you follow. Changing the dance steps changes the dance.

You can change the stressor by getting more organized. Perhaps if you were more organized you could have asked your co-worker for the report earlier in the week lessening the chances of an angry reaction from him. The more organized you are the better you are able to cope with unexpected problems or problem people. Think of this as a sub-Noble Truth: You can prevent problems by being more organized!

You can also change your work situation. You don't have to stay where you are. You might think that you do, for whatever reason, but it is still a choice you are making. Even if you stay in the job you have now, you can always ask to be reassigned to a new department or share a new cubicle with another employee.

There are always choices. And having choices empowers us to deal with angry people in a more confident manner.

Finding a Little Serenity
Let's be honest. Life is difficult. Even Buddha said so and he lived a long time ago. But what was true then is true now. Life is full of problems. That shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be on how you will respond to problems and to problem people. Don't be surprised by them when you know they will rear their ugly heads again and again. Instead, get a plan and a tool belt full of anger management tools.

Use these tools to change your life so that you don't wake up every morning with a knot in your stomach. Work on you and you may be pleasantly surprised by the results it creates in others. One way of looking at all of this is the Serenity Prayer popularized by the Alcoholics Anonymous movement. Hey, why should millions of other people have all the good stuff? If it helps them overcome alcoholism, maybe it can help you deal with angry people.

The Serenity Prayer goes something like this: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Finding a little serenity means changing what we can, the best way that we can and not stressing over what we can't change, namely other people. I think Buddha would have been proud.

Ron Huxley, is a Child & Family Therapist and the author of "Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting." He speaks on parenting, anger, grief, and nontraditional families. He can reached via his Internet site: http://parentingtoolbox.com/ , or by email at mailto:rehuxley@parentingtoolbox.com .

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